家庭是个大课堂

蓝田日暖

Comparison and Contrast

The girl was teary, talking about how at once her father wanted her to suicide so that he could get the insurance compensation to pay off his debt. What?! This is a FATHER?

Okay, sometimes, deliberately or by accident, I was faced with the darkness of humans. And, actually, the darkness is bottomless and so I wouldn't touch some topics because they just showed how crazy and cruel humans could be.

By comparison, my parents immediately become angels. This interview turned into another excuse for me to appreciate my parents:

When my sister and I were studying in high school, at the first week, no one was allowed to leave the school until the next weekends. This was the first time we left home for so long. And on Saturday afternoon, we heard the radio speak out loud our names--it's our mom coming and visiting us. We ran to the school gate; there she was, with two bags of fruit and snacks.

Always, my father was happy to accompany me to schools or help me move homes. He went to the school office and finished those necessary procedures. We went to the dorm and began to arrange my luggage. He, with a big smile, talked to other parents and then we would eat a meal together at the canteen and took a short walk to get familiar with the new school. There are just a lot of things he is so willing to do for us or with us. He feels very responsible for the house conditions and he keeps on mending electric appliances and other smaller gadgets or asking professionals to do so, and he likes keeping the house clean and orderly. He cooks and is happy being the assistance to my mom when she cooks.

They have harmony with each other. Quarrelling is rare now. They exchange ideas with lighthearted moods, and sometimes would laugh together. They are very loving and mostly also very allowing and patient as grandparents. They know how to make their lives fulfilling--both have their own hobbies. She sings joyously on her own, not needing any audience to feel good. He has his unique preferences for music and he enjoys music every day...

蓝田日暖

I cleaned myself from head to toe in the warm water. The sensation on my skin felt good. I appreciated that, but most of the focus was still on my mind's activities as I was showering. I delierately apply my mind when I carry out daily activities such as washing dishes, brushing my teeth or having a bath.

I remembered the novel I read in the daytime. I was reading Mark Twain's Roughing it. I sorta travelled with him and witnessed some funny stories happening to him or around him. He did has his unique sense of humor. Unexpected events caught his attention along the journey and it's interesting to read his mind, sometimes sarcastic and sometimes childishly innocent. As he began to describe guns for a whole paragraph, I considered for a dozen of seconds, and then decisively gave upon understanding what he was talking--I just skipped this paragraph, because I had no interest in guns. This would not influence my understanding of the whole novel, and thinking like this, I continued my reading. For now, he was still on the road, on the coach with a large bundle of mail sacks, still eager because of this totally new adventure into a strange world. And so do I--I am curious about what would happen to him in his last part of the carriage journey and when he arrived at the destination. Generally speaking, he was quite lighthearted with eagerness and excitement for the future expreriences...

After the recollection of the book, I begn to focus upon ease and flow. I like ease and flow and I decided to list ojbects and life expriences showing that I am living a lighthearted life with great ease. In my mind's eye, I re-activated them:

The bright, comfy, convenient physical spaces; check.

The wonderful books I am reading such as Roughing it; check.

The abundant free time for me to do what I like; check.

Hot, delicious coffee and music as my daily companions; check.

The weather, mostly sunny; check.

Harmony between my parents; they even talk and laugh; check.

An extremely healthy body; being clear-minded, flexible, energetic, and efficient; check.

Pondering upon interesting life subjects in a very focused way; check.

Watching and reading news to collect useful information; check.

Rest well and sleep well; check.

Easily appreciate people around me. Easily find their loveliness. Easily see big smiles and hear soft and loving words; Check.

Great convenience available to me 24/7. Clean drinking water, warm water to wash, electricity, natural gas, wi-fi, safety day and night, abundant modern public washrooms, parks and facilities, continually improving transportation systems...

蓝田日暖

I like...

I like making the best of where I am. I like that I am getting better at multitasking. My mind and body allows me to do things efficiently while still has the leisure to think pleasing thoughts. With no negative emotions activated by the thing I was not fond of doing, I could easily jump onto another thing with a contented or lighthearted mood. I don't need to deal with the residual negative emotions. So, I am happy and also efficient if efficiency is desired by me. From a bigger picture, others also get benefits in these moments because I do certain things for them in a willing attitude, and often with high quality too.

I like challenging myself to become more and more unconditionally happy. It's easy to get unhappy because of this or that, becasue of the attitudes from other people, etc. But, I don't want to be so easily controlled by conditions. I want to be the master of my moods, my emotions, and my attitudes. So, I would deliberately use different methods/tools to immediately shift my feelings, or I get so sensitive to the trend that I quickly take another path before something unpleasant happens. I, sometimes, would purposefully think of myself as an Olympic athlete, who has trained for so many years to get onto the stage. And who for all the effort of all these years, should be responsible for her great clarity of mind now, even when the audiences are hissing. Really?! Getting discouraged just becasue of their boos and hisses; that's not wise, that's not worthwhile, and that's surrendering to their exact intentions.

I like that I met my cousin by accident yesterday. She showed me the overcoats she bought for my uncle and aunt. We talked about her son who was really enjoying his university life. I am glad that all of them are doing quite well and they love each other and care for each other.

I like selectively watching and reading news. It excites my mind. It offers me useful information. It triggers some new thoughts. It becomes another excuse for me to appreciate certain things and people. It inspires me to learn something new on particular life subjects. For example, by listening to stories of domestic voilence, I got to know crystal clear about what kind of families I and also these people genuinely love. They want a loving family. They want family members who are loving, stable, caring and at least respectful. And in a deeper sense, they want love and to be treated well, respected and trusted and uplifted, which could be given to them by themselves--which is forever the key to the love they pursue, and people who are a match to this love--which may means their biological family members may never be a match but other so-called strangers could be.

I like appreciating. It's always beneficial to appreciate, no matter how unappreciable something or some person seems to be, no matter how trivial an experience seems to be. I appreciate the cup of tea at my hand and also the thermos containg the hot tea. I appreciate my computer who works so well for me, who allows me to watch movies and dramas of vivid and clear vision. I appreciate BoC app which allows me to continually purchase the vip of Netease Cloud Music with such cheaper prices. I appreciate my parents for being harmonic with each other. I appreciate Costa Coffee for providing me with such a bright, comfy, convenient, lighthearted environment, coupled with delicious coffee. I appreciate the poetic river scene I can see every time I go there, standing next to the reeds. I appreciate the unlimited music, books, and information I have access to on the Internet. I have been reading Jane Eyre and Roughing it. I appreciate the local government for efficiently managing lots of aspects of this city. I like living in a neat, orderly, fresh, beautiful, convenient, safe, alive and continually improving city. I appreciate the voice actors who present the characters so well with their attractive voices, out of love. I appreciate...

蓝田日暖

Why do I like her/him/them/it?

I was reading a fan fiction and again, it stopped suddenly. Shocking, but blame on me, because I forgot to see weather it's an ongoing one or finished one. The author have disappeared for two months--not good news. But still, I like this novel and I like this couple. Why? Because both of them are honest, passionate, and persistent dreamers and protectors of the country. Because they are both handsome, talented and powerful. They keep on honing in on their skills and become better and better at controlling their spirits and bodies. And, because they respect, trust each other, and love each other with their whole hearts. And I like that they try their best to be true to themselves, to their original dreams, to protect and assist each other no matter how treacherous the country gets. They don't give upon their hopes and fight on and on.


A big smile showed on my face, when I was reading Roughing it. It's an interesting coach journey for the author and his brother. The transportation system then was of course very diffent and also very long. They had to stay in the carriage for many days with lots of mail sacks. They would meet a new passenger in the middle of the journey and he struggled to find a topic to converse, only to discover that it's the worst idea he could've thought of, because as soon as the girl started talking, the whole coach was full of her very loud, quick dialectal speeches, leaving no space for him to say another word. Sometimes, the ride was smooth, while other times, the stagecoach jolted a lot and the inner space turned into a mess. The thick and heavey dictrionary his brother brought began to attack unpredictably, tobacco rushed into their eyes, and they bumped into each other with ceaseless grumbles. However, when the road was gentle and soft, this carriage would behave like a cradle, swinging and swaying, patting them into deep sleep... These scenes were so vivid it's like I was watching part of a movie. I really appreciate Mark Twain's sense of humor and his sensitivity to the subtleties of life experiences.

In the reading, when a lot of new words come up, I like deliberately quieting my mind and letting go of my impatience. There are several ways or alternatives to go about it. I can quickly read it and get the key points, not needing to understand every word, let alone to know how to use it. Or, I could be patient enough, to look up every one of them in the dictionary, and pinpoint their exact or mostly possible meanings in this particular context. And most of the time, I prefer the second method of reading and learning. Plus, this is also a way to cause my mind to be highly focused. I like this way of learning, understanding and improving.

蓝田日暖

Standing in the Luckin, I noticed that girls were quite busy now, moving around to make coffee of different kinds. I didn't know their actual thoughts, but for me, again, I was very sure I didn't like doing repetitive things especially when my whole mind and body had to be busy with those same steps, not being able to wander about in other places. Generally speaking, I always try my best to do what I like, to not do what I don't like or as much as I can, to reduce the negative influence of these things--so I often resort to multitasking which allows my mind to wander in better feeling places while my body is doing something boring. And, I am also sure about my preferences for physical environments and time, because most of what I like are best done in solitude with ample, not bothered time periods. I am not a frantic people person, though I do enjoy lighthearted interactions and conversations with others--just not that much.

I never give upon my desires of doing what I like, having abundant free time to do what I like in conducive physical environments. Most of the time, I am living like this. And at other times, I just remind myself that I will have what I desire again, sooner or later, usually sooner.  Another extremely important desire of mine, in a general sense, is to feel happy as much as I can under all kinds of conditions. So during those time segments, I would try my best to feel good, no matter what methods I use. I may deliberately look for and find goodness in what I do. Or I just focus my mind on good-feeling topics other than what I do. Like, I can cook and purposefully remember what I read yesterday and start reviewing beneficial information from the reading. Or I listen to music or interesting and inspiring speeches.

Recently, I have been challenging some old thoughts or beliefs such as "You can't have both," "You have to sacrifice this for that.," or "Don't be silly; this is impossible."  From time to time, I would just say to myself, "Really? Why not possible? I wanna try my best to make it possible. I am curious about the unfolding."  If I can keep myself happy in the pursuing of my dreams, then even my dreams don't manifest till my last breath, every effort I have devoted is still worthwhile FOR ME, and I don't regret. And actually believing in my desires and pursuing them always feels better than giving upon them. So, I have no other better chioces but to continually move in the direction of my desires, and on and on let go of old, limited beliefs/habitual thoughts.

There is a prevailing belief saying "It's too good to be true." Um, really? I wanna buy into this? NO! How about: I am happy. My life is wonderful. Life gets better and better for me. I am passionate about life. I am interested in more and more things. I become more clear-minded and energetic; I need less and less sleep time. I keep on attracting wonderful materials which excite my mind. My body works well for me. I become more and more efficient in many areas. I keep on doing what I like and most of the time, I just get all the necessary elements for me to do what I like and enjoy what others create. All things are possible. I feel that I am worthy of all goodies. I feel safe and secure. I feel natural, receiving all kinds of goodies...

蓝田日暖

Alright, something unpleasant happened, and my mind was thinking: What if they knew this? They might say this or that... I stopped there, new thought came up: So what? None of my business. I just need to hold onto my OWN perspective on this. Let them behave whatever they want to; still, I won't change my attitudes toward this. Then, I calmed down and naturally put my attention on other things.

I was not stable enough to feel peace when people pleasers did certain things. Complicated feelings. Easily irritated, impatient, wanting to shout, wanting to say to them, "You don't need to do this. This just don't help. Just mind your own business." No one actually, genuinely wants to flatter, to please other people with an inferior attitude. Beneathe, there is fear, insecurity or indifference and a hidden agenda, or... For me, just give others the benefit of the doubt, and just, understands to let go all of those negative emotions. In understanding, patience, respect, trust in their confidence and independence, and remembering their true happiness and self-love, would spring up more easily: She is making the best of where she is. She is trying her best to live a fulfilling life, no matter what others think. She stubbornly goes out and chats with friends becasue she likes it. Most parts of her body work well for her. She does all kinds of things by her own, not needing help from other people. People show genuine love and care toward her and she recieves them with pure appreciation, but no gratitude...

How many paths and methods were presented to me along the journey of my bringing myself out of those dark holes? I even couldn't count. So many books, speeches, people, events, and thought shiftings and also medicine. I rarely remember the specific past, and it also doesn't visit me often, but still, sometimes, I can make the best of it when I read someone's words of where they are, emotionally speaking--depressed, fearful, full of revenge, or feeling so bad treated, etc. There are just unlimited ways for someone to get out of all these; and the ways would be very different for different people. But, there are ways, infinite ways/methods/supportive elements/etc. Most importantly, when one has a very strong and recognized desire of wanting to go up emotinally, these ways would come up one by one, or simultaneously, much more easily. Even when one lost hope, sometimes, and actually many times, the destiny, or whatever you name it, wouldn't give upon you. You might be pushed into a state of numbness, or neutrality for some time, after some drastic actions. Gradually, your desire of living fully is reactivated, and one thing after another, even though you are still doubting your possible happiness, life lets you know that you have already embarked on another phase and you feels happier and happier.

So, what are these unlimited ways? You may take medicine to get some sleep every night. You keep on searching for methods to feel better, to find the solutions. You may get books whose contents are so resonating with you and also very practicable. You learned how to quiet your mind, by meditating or observing nature. You learned that feeling anger is more powerful than feeling fear or inferior, and so is a beneficial step. You started appreciating and focusing upon positive aspects. You cared about what you truly like and tried your best to do what you liked, becasue it's so clear to you, when you did so, you felt happy and you got energized--your body worked much better for you. You noticed that when you let your worry or fear go by saying words such as "So what? What's the big deal anyway; I even don't fear of death, why should I bother myself with this," you discovered that often problems just disappeared or solutions automatically came to you. You discovered methods to help you become more and more passionate about your life. You discovered better feeling and much healthier attitudes toward relationships. You... In a word, there are unlimited ways leading us to what we desire, be it a state of being, or financial abundance, or health. Don't give up. Keep searching and praciticing.

蓝田日暖

It is hot, the skin is burning under the crystal blue dome; on left side there is hard earth, and on right side, an oasis. Square houses made of rammed earth scatter, with front yards, sheep pens at the back and flat roofs. The cute boy with big, glittering eyes passionately invited the traveler to visit his home. "You must ask your parents first and if they are not convenient, I wouldn't go in," the girl was a bit hesitant. This boy, shining like the sun, clapped his chest, assuring to  her, "Don't worry. I arrange all of this. Everything would be arranged wonderfully." He was absolutely confident that he会把所有的事情都安排得明明白白. His mandarin was wonderful with a little accent. At the front yard, his grandpa was resting on a bed while from the string next to him slung half-dried hami melons. This hospitable boy met his sister at the door, together, they brought the girl indoors with pride and happiness. This was a typical house in Turpan, very multi-functional, and accommodated different creatures. They showed her their living room floored with a bright colored carpet and furnished with flowery patterns on the walls and the ceiling. No chairs, stools or benches. They sit on the cushions. It's so hot that they usually used the air conditioner at noon. Then, she was guided to the melon-room, the chicken coop, the sheep pen and the cowshed. Stories about the scary black cow were told to her by the sister with a serious face. Finally, they must take her to one of their favorites, the rooftop. In the center, three small beds were put together and they slept there under the starry sky almost every night expect in rainy days. They insisted she lie there because it's so comfy. Obviously they had such a natural deep love for their home, this unique house, that they just wanted more people to see it.


He was riding the bicycle in a foreign country. But for people there, he was the foreigner and an unusal one. They didn't see a lot of foreigners, especially someone bicycling with so much stuff. They stopped him, wanting to give him a lift. They took selfies with him. And then, one gave him a coke, another gave hiim a bottle of water, and then the third one, a hand of bananas. How interesting! Along the trip, he kept on collecting food from those friendly strangers.

蓝田日暖

Where is my focus NOW?

I went to eat hand-pulled noodles with beef, onions and cabbage. The soup was a little piquant. The little girl, daughter of the shop owner, sitting next to me, had such long eyelashes. I still multitasked while eating the noodle--I read a fan fiction on my phone. But I did felt the uniquely chewy feature of the noodles, which was why I liked it.

There are unlimited ways for abundance, including money, to come to me, I believe so. And therefore, I often hold this lighthearted attitude towards lots of things. I don't want to sweat the small stuff and I have been putting more and more things into the category of "the small stuff," which birngs much ease to my daily life. And pleasing things come to me with ease as I move along this life journey. This afternoon, Mark Twain again brought me to an old--actually new--world. He was trying his best to enjoy his sometimes rough jaunt. The coach jolted more often after the horses were replaced by six crazy mules. The travelers were not satisfied with looking out through the window, and they climbed atop of the coach and looked out from there, dangling their legs over the side, and shouting like nauty kids at the already frantic mules. The starry night looked at them with tenderness. The feeling of wild freedom wafted through them. An unforgettable memory.

Well-being dominates in their lives. They are always loved and supported. They are happy beings. Things are working out really well for them. Every step is easy and smooth. Things are wonderfully arranged. This newly born baby girl, is so robust, happy, beautiful and cute. She sleeps so well. And she passionately absorbs useful information with her sense perceptions as soon as she wakes up. She giggles. She grabs our fingers with her chubby hands. She stares at us her big, totally curious eyes. Her joy is contagious. Her mom recovers well. Her body works extremely well for her. She is patient, very gentle and loving toward herself. High quality support and assistance is at hand. The room is totally quiet in the evening.

I am glad that I get to do what I like almost all the time. I know what I like. I like so many things. I am interested in so many life subjects. I like reading. I like pondering and shifting my old beliefs into new ones. I like writing. I like exploring sense perceptions--vision, sounds, fragrances, flavors and sensations on the skin. I like music and stories. I like observing natural scenes. I like enhancing my relationships with others. I like enhancing my belief in the well-being of my family members. I like beauty of all kinds. I like hot coffee, especially coconut smooth latte.

I like stories. I like noticing various states of beings, intentions, motives, beliefs, behaviors and backgrounds we, different humans, have. Some I am familiar with, some hard for me to get or understand, and others I am interested in and may possibly incorporate into my system. Some, I had before and now have already let go of. Some I never had and never want to have...

蓝田日暖

Abundance

I logged into JD, and got myself an electric hot water bottle and a pair of gloves covering all fingers. I had JD plus and some member loyalty points, so no delivery charges, and a reduction of 12 yuan because of the points. Before I paid for them, I noticed that another reduction could be done by using the CEB app. Alright, finally I got 18-yuan reduction because of the points and the specific bank app. This happens a lot to me, especially with bank cards--they keep on offering coupons and bonuses for me, for example I got the 2.33-yuan monthly Vip of Bilibili at least twice from BOC app. I got 88.8-yuan wechat reduction from a lucky draw of a bank which I forgot, maybe ICBC. With all these coupons, bonuses, and whatnot, I continually get products and serives of same quality costing much less money. In other words, money of the same amount could buy me much more stuff, comparatively speaking. And, I actually get used to this situation; I just expect to easily get coupons, bonuses, and wechat and alipay reduction. I appreciate all these wonderful bank card apps, especially ABC, CCB and BOC--I have been purchasing the Vips of Bilibili and Netease Cloud Music on it, quite cheap.

I am healthy. Most importanly, I just believe in my body's self-recovery power; amazing, almost magical, self-healing, self-recovering ability. For a long period of time, I reminded myself of this truth every day, because I decided to let go of certain medication step by step, regardless of what any other said. This was my preparation; mentally speaking, I never thought that I should depend upon the medicine, and so I kept on using other, new, natural methods to enhance my health while still using the assistance from medicine--but temporarily. When the timing felt right, I started carrying out my plan of reducing the intake and finally letting it go. And I experienced no withdrawl symptom at all. Years ago, I might need those wonderful stories of people magically healing from severe conditions to shore me up, but recently, I resorted to them much much less. I just have a quite stable belief in my body's power and resilience. And, I wouldn't let others' worry interfere with me, so every time my parents showed their worry, I cut the conversation short, and assure them again that I was very well. Most of the waking time, I am clear-minded, focused, flexible and energetic. When I feel tired, I take a nap, or deliberately quiet my mind to wait for the natural refreshment. I know the key to have a healthy body is to feel good, or better and accurately said, feeling better using any reason is the key to get better physically. Among all kinds of abundance, health is of course extremely important. I feel blessed to be healthy, to have a crystal clear mind to focus upon what I like, to move my bodily parts nimbly as I like, and to enjoy life with my working-so-well snese perceptions. I savor gourmet food and beverages. My eyes perceive beauty of colors, shapes and textures. My ears are immersed in the elegance of music...

My abundance means family harmony--we allow, respect, love and willingly support. My abundance means: a cup of hot coffee at hand, reading an interesting novel, or watching a documentary which is like a breath of fresh air, flowing out my thought word by word on the  paper or on my computer, exploring new ideas of life subjects I am interested in and feeling weather I get resonance with them or not, taking long walks in the open outdoor spaces accompanied by music, or inspiring speeches or my own thinking process, having fun with my nephew, smiling like an idiot watching some cute interaction of people I adore, eating a bowl of piquant instant noodles, or...

蓝田日暖

山穷水尽疑无路，柳暗花明又一村。

台下观众叫得很热烈，看上去他已经转型为比较成功的歌手了。他另辟蹊径，在新的空间做起了新的事情，一直在学习成长着。我不是粉丝，甚至没有看过几部他的剧，但看他如今的发展还是有些感慨。失望，颓废，索性不再出现是容易的；培育希望，开辟新路，保持状态，投入于新的旅程，相对要难一些。然而，这依旧是因人而异的，毕竟有些人从很早开始就已经拥有了越挫越勇的性格特质——越艰难，越不服输，斗志反而越旺盛，肾上腺素在血管里奔涌得越厉害。

面临山穷水尽疑无路，又不愿意走老路、走回头路时，怎么办呢？

我有过很狗血的表现，当然从现在的角度来看，没必要那么极端。就是硬抗，苦逼到了新高度，也不愿意开口求助，不愿意走老路。换现在的想法，其实也不至于是开口求助，不过就是请别人帮个忙：帮，感谢；不帮，理解，对方的自由。硬抗的结果就是，扛到问题以自己最希望或比较希望的方式获得解决，而不是以老的方式发展。实在抗不下去，才作他想。

更常见的应对方式，不知道算不算摆烂，就是用以下这些话安慰自己：

管它ya的，懒得想了，随便吧。

天塌下来当被盖呗。

人生经历告诉我，事情肯定一定可以解决，就是走向不明——然后，我就会生出几分好奇，好奇中间究竟会发生什么。如此一来，整个心理状态就有了质变，从对未知的担心转变为对未知的好奇。

接下来，我就真的不管了，去做其他事情。念头如果再出现，就重复一遍上述心理过程。

结果通常是：柳暗花明又一村，是一个全新的村子。

如果到了我认为的截止时间，新村子还没出现的话，我可能会退而求其次，原路返回，但心里清楚这是暂时的，权宜之计，不会久留，因为原路已经不再适合现在的我。

在这过程中，有时需要克服惯性，因为一些旧的东西会诱惑你，告诫你未知新事物的危险，希望你回到它们的怀抱。。。。。。

蓝田日暖

All go smoothly for us.

She cried loudly. A beautiful, robust baby girl, with a already high nose. Her hands were so small and cute, yet powerful in grabbing my fingers. A naturally born happy baby with a bright future; a colorful, mostly joyful life journey ahead of her. She is intuitive, not needing others to teach her how to get what she wants for the time being. A curious adventurer, definitely.

The space is lovely, consisting of a living-room, a bedroom, and two washrooms. A professional nanny is hired, and she had cared for their first kid, and they trust her. Enough people are around to gently clean her, keep her awake, and fulfill every need of hers. In the evening, the quiet space and the well-cared baby girl allow her to sleep well. By and by, she will recover easily and wonderfully.

They keep on following their passions, interests and intuition. They are happy, healthy, abundant, confident, loving, and clear-minded. They know what they like; they are persistent dreamers. Well-being showers upon them. They are naturally called to be unconditionallly happy as much as they can. Or life just leads them there to being the masters of their own emotions and feelings. On and on, they notice the futility of depending upon others to be happy and they get better and better at making the best of where they are, and get better and better at cleverly using their minds to be lighthearted. They are powerful and resourceful beings...

蓝田日暖

"I will pick him up. What' the time?" I sent a message to him.

Before the reply came back, I was thinking, "What if he says I don't need to do so?" Then, in a flash, I noticed some limited thoughts as follows: He is busy now; I should help him; not helping him doesn't feel good, even when he says all is arranged well.

What?! That's not logical to me anymore. If he says someone would pick him up, then it's a good thing--things are all going smoothly for him; he has enough people to assist him. I may feel a little dissapointed because I want to have fun with the kid. But not because I feel a little guilty not helping a person who doesn't need help--a bit ironic, isn't it? Or not because I should base my self-value upon my helping others--this is not healthy self-value whatsoever.

Then, all is clear. If the answer is "no need," good for him and I am gonna happily do my own things. Period. As for having fun with the kid, there are unlimited opportunities in future; no worry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She was complaining that I should be good at certain things already.

No guilt. No impulse to fight back. Her words felt distant and strange. Almost incomprehensible. Those shoulds have nothing to do with me. I have no interest in being good at them. In most cases, I just say "no" to requests like this. While in other cases, my mind would wander somewhere else, though my body may be doing something not that pleasant.

I should do what I like doing. I should ignore others' words of complaints. I should know others' complains or anger actually is very weak in power, I don't need to see them as a threat, but instead, I should more and more just shrug them off. I should spend less and less time thinking about what others think of me--they can love me when they feel really good and appreciative; they may belittle me when they feel really bad and think I should be responsible for their lives. I should deliberately use hard conditions to become more and more unconditionallly stable, not needing others to change in order for me to feel good. I should quiet my mind and let new thoughts pop up. I should enjoy music, interesting stories, and mind-exciting cultures. I should have fun with kids in my life. I should being the lighthearted aunt to them. I should remember and know that everybody's power of controlling their lives and see them as independent, confident and resourceful. I should continually reactivate the feeling of freedom and lightheartedness, regardless of the reason I use. I should appreciate a lot. I should be in love with beauty of abundant kinds. I should try to understand in a positive manner and do understand other people better and therefore have less and less emotional buttons to be pushed on. I should pursue and enhance my true harmony with others. I should...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He has a mesmerizing voice. His timber is light, gentle and a little crystal. That doesn't mean it can't get deeper and fully let out his anger or other complicated emotions. However, the most distinguished texture of his voice is softness and warmth. Kids can easily slide into sweet dreams in his crooning lullaby. But if they are held hostage, this crystal-like voice can immediately turn into a sharp, dense and powerful force. Feelings transform it. Okay, now I remember the mastery voice actor 盐泽兼人, who is now in heaven.

I so appreciate those loving, persistent groups of creators in the are of audio dramas. They write scprits, act, direct and edit out of pure, strong love. They spare time of high quality to carefully tend to every subtlety of their creations. Write and feel every word. Tap into the characters and really become the roles, fully bringing out every emotion accurately and powerfully. Hold an extremely quiet and focused mind, feeling for the perfect sound elements to create the fittest environment for every scenario. How moving and inspiring! And it's definitely 为爱发电.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I like making the best of where I am. I like again and again reminding myself the importance of unconditional contentment. I like shifting my focus and attention to what feels good to me as quickly as I can. I just did so. Instead of feeling impatient for not being able to use the washroom immediately, I chose to sit down, and purposefully appreciated creative people in my life. And so, I did feel better. And I let go of the feeling of urgency. I like having lighthearted and humurous conversations with people. I like a laid-back, relaxed atmosphere among people. Sorta "whatever; no big deal" feel. I like sitting comfortably on the sofa chair and enjoying an interesting audio drama and thoroughly sensing every word and emotion and background sound in it. I like sipping hot coconut smooth latte bought from Luckin. I like appreciating and loving people. I like when my heart is filled with love instead of impatience. I like listening to inspiring speeches and clearly noticing the resonance happening in my heart. I like characters who often see the world differently. I like that this world is full of powerful, passionate creators who willingly share their wisdom and beautiful artworks...

蓝田日暖

I looped Andira Rose's Prelude because it was the perfect bgm when the thing happened. I liked its slow rythm which seemed a soft river flowing down. I was not listening and pondering its lyrics at all. Good for me. Putting on my earphones and the world immediately transformed. Music is such a loving, powerful companion for me. Recently, I have been looping 初雪, 可我是摩羯座, 隆里电丝, 沉都, 威远故事, 江湖流, NANANA, Prelude and Teenage Dream.

At dusk, I was greatly soothed by the natural scenes in the river, over the river and along the river. A water bird swirled and glided over the river. An angler was moving his limbs outside his tent, next to a dozen fishing rods. The dark green river was rippling in the wind. There was a little redness in the dome. While I was sitting comfortably on the chair, with my legs fully stretched. In this natrual serenity, I read a fan fiction on one of my favorite websites.

I arrived at the unique Luckin at the end of the main street. It is bright, comfy, neat and spacious, with abundant round tables and sofa chairs. I got myself a cup of hot smooth coffee of coconut flavor. I just like making the best of where I am based upon my preferences. So I took with me my thermos so that the coffee could keep hot for a long time. I just registered Xunlei app which gave me 10g storage space, and I could easily store lots of audio dramas into it, and listen to them directly on the app smoothly. I am sensitive to distinctively beautiful human voices. I appreciate the superb devotion and acting skills some voice actors demonstrate. I like that my mind gets excited by a totally new story created by sounds.

I bought KFC 大神卡, so I can buy breakfast with a satisfying discount for a month. Then there was another discount from using E-CNY, and therefore I could get a cup of hot coffee and a chicken panini with 3.6 yuan. Yeah! So cheap. And afterwards, as I topped up my mobile phone, BoC app just gave me 13-yuan reduction... I appreciate discounts and reductions happening in my life because they make my money more valuable.

They are doing quite well. The baby rests, sleeps and eats well. She is softly and lovingly cared for. Mom has been eating nutritious soups and porridges made by family members. She gets to relax and rest as much as she can, while the professional nanny is tending to the baby.

I threw the chopsticks defiantly and had no regret. I did so on the verge of getting into the trap of guilt. And I was glad that I was not falling into it; instead, I jumped away from it, real quick. Then I soothed myself with music and nature. I brought myself back into calmness and clarity. I make clear and hold onto my own stance no matter what others think or say. I feel proud of myself. I like getting better and better at managing my emotions. I like the freedom of not needing others to change in order for me to feel good. I, myself, have the ability to get back into my happiness.

I was sending gift cards of Netease Cloud Music app to my sister. Glad to know we are different in which apps we often use. She doesn't use this app and is not attracted to it. She has other resources of music. Loving, not just to me, but also to strangers. This is my siste. She respects people and always wants to help. She has a compassionate heart. She often gives other people the benefit of the doubt so much so that it seems that she is taken advantage of sometimes. But she does so from a totally willing attitude and I don't see it as her being taken advantage of. She is stubborn in pursuing what she likes in some areas, which I adore very much. She feels happy when she does so...

蓝田日暖

I took the lunchboxes to the hospital and my nephew was there in the living room. I sat down, held his shoulder, asking him about the basketball game. He said he won twice and lost twice in a calm tone. Comparatively speaking, he preferred athletics which surprised me, because the day before, he excitedly asked his father to let him take part in the game. The baby girl was eating, while her brother now was interested in sending a message to his classmate. I was amazed at how fast his fingers were moving on the small screen of the watch. He also introduced me the girl he was sending message to--she was the class monitor.


I met a wonderful audio drama because both voice actors are known for their passion and skills, so I trust that it would be a wonderful one. I listened to about 8 episodes, then my impatience came up, so I searched and read the following parts of the novel. I didn't expect that, but the reality was I cried hard. Tears just streamed down, and I couldn't help sobbing. Okay! Then, I knew I'd better slow it whole down, not hurriedly going back to listen to that drama because it would definitely hit harder. Later gator. However, that's a good cry. Actually I fast forwarded the reading, wanting to know the main events and the final result, but still, my affection towards the main roles because of the previous listening--afterall, I l finished 8 episodes, easily pushed me into the strong sadness.


As soon as I got up, my mind began to move fast and I chose to manage it purposefully. So I let it revolve around the theme of MY ABUNDANCE. I remembered the tranquil scenes of the river--those trees, the jade-like river, the gliding water birds, the well-equipped angler, and the sunset glow behind the mountains. I remembered my evening time in one of the Luckins. I sat there and enjoyed writing on my phone. Then read a lighthearted fan fiction, while sipping the hot delicious coffee of smooth coconut flavor. The grey colored sofa chair supported me so steadily. When I was searching a novel online, a website popped up and it had a lot of old and new audio dramas--wonderful! I now have at least two stable sources to download and directly enjoy beautiful audio dramas. Still, lots of my favorite things are done on electronic products, such as reading, writing, listening to music, speeches, and audio dramas, watching movies, dramas, documentaries and vlogs, learning and enhancing my languages, searching and collecting useful information, etc. And therefore, I am glad to have more than enough, abundant, electronic products--computers, laptops, smartphones, headphones/earphones, mobile discs, and the pad. And, I am glad that all of them are so stable and working so well for me. I like Baidu Netdisc so much because it can let me efficiently store, upload, download, watch, listen and sync big files/resources. I am also in love with its 文稿/transcription which transcribes wonderful speeches for me so that I can directly read and edit on the contents. I appreciate Netease Cloud Music app so much for it lets me enjoy on a daily basis unlimited beautiful musical pieces with abundant choices of sound effects like the 360 degree immersive style. There is a long list of stories of different forms waiting for me to enjoy and every day, I can pick some to interest and excite my mind...

She loves her cats. She loves her daughter. She loves reading stories on xhs. She loves music and especially gets attracted to certain artists. She loves treating other people with softness and kindness. She loves seeing people live a comofortable life. She loves learning some basics of a foreign language so that she can better enjoy her trip in this foreign country. She loves travelling alone or with other mates out of strong love. She loves collecting mangas, magazines, cds, and books and she likes making them pristine. She is so patient in protecting those books and mangas with covers. She likes de-cluttering the whole house with such patience and satisfaction. She likes taking initiatives on many life fronts; for example, she would write love letters. She is stubborn in pursuing what she likes. Really a distinguished and appreciated-by-me being. We three eat together in lovely restaurants. We three wander in the nearby stadium with lighthearted moods. We, the whole familly, scatter on the street, heading to the shopping mall...

蓝田日暖

我读了一个半小时苏轼的词，查了词典，看了一些解析，带着好奇，深感满意，印象深刻的句子一遍就记住了。

比如，牛衣古柳卖黄瓜；黄童白叟聚睢盱；休将白发唱黄鸡；猿猱闻鼓不须呼；乌鸢翔舞赛神村；缺月挂疏桐，漏断人初静；摇荡香醪光欲舞；三三五五棘篱门。

一千年前的场景，借由这些精炼且美感十足的文字跃然纸上。走在回家的路上，街道两旁是低矮的双层商住房，往后便是六层或十几层的中高楼，再往新区延展，楼高就更夸张了。可一千年前，人们应该都是独门独户住着的；苏轼组织谢雨盛会的那个村社庄，每家每户应该至少会有一个小院，由棘篱门围起来。除了农耕，那里的人还养蚕，烧茧，缫丝，算是多了一门生计。在那山清水秀之地，除了飞翔的乌鸦和老鹰，竟还有麋鹿和猿猴吗？雨后的草地清新如洗，平时扬着轻沙的路面沉静下去，片尘不飞。午睡醒来，口渴思茶，词人索性就停马下车，走向郊外那幢小小的茅屋，想着如果有人在，讨杯茶喝应是没有问题的。。。。。。

我正沉浸在诗情画意中呢，一个电话过来了。接起，一个声音问我怎么没去做某某事。眉头一跳，嘴巴一歪，我的表情泄露了此刻的不爽，因为不止好心情被打断了，对方还用上了带有“你应该”情绪色彩的话语——这是我最讨厌的对话模式之一。几秒后，我略微平静，评估了一下，确定这件事本身是我愿做想做的，那接下去的行动就很简单，就是去做。如果不是我愿做想做的，我不打算去做，管他满不满意。

她安静地睡在摇篮里，小小的手松松地悬在半空，脸还没长开，有些皱巴，左眼微睁一下又合上，我没看见那据说很明显的双眼皮。十几分钟后，月嫂稳稳地把她抱在怀里，我们一起下了楼。在一楼大厅结账台旁，我看了一个六七岁的小女孩，超级好看，皮肤很白，眼睛大而明亮，一直带着微笑，唇边有个小酒窝。头发相当讲究，前后左右足有五六根细长的麻花辫，大部分越过了肩膀。趁着奶奶打电话的间隙，她就在周围蹦蹦跳跳，时不时和我对视一眼。真是赏心悦目！

鬼知道我为什么搜索了举重运动员的视频，然后就走进了一个全新的世界。怎么说呢，这些运动员肌肉爆表的身材虽不符合我的审美，倒也谈不上讨厌；但对不少健身的男士而言，他们的身材则堪称完美，简直就是艺术品，值得久久欣赏。他们举重的每个步骤，每个动作，都应该调整成慢动作，加以研究，当然最重要的还是——欣赏。作为那个世界外围的人，我虽然没有抵达欣赏的境界，但收获还是有的，那些慢镜头帮助我实体化了某些小说场景，比如激动用劲时，肌肉发达的人整个手臂会暴出明显的青筋。

蓝田日暖

Abundance

I decided to explore gourmet food. And then I discovered the wonderful channel 阿星探店. His vlogs consist of beautiful natural scenes, amazing architecture, the warm daily life of the local people and of course detailed introduction of dainty food. Other than that, he is very funny; his uique sense of humor, role playing and sudden antics out of nowhere easily put a big smile on his auidence. Other than the vivid visual information he provides, he also gives interesting and inspiring knowledge about the food he eats, like the history of a specific dish.

I clearly recognize the extreme abundance in so many life areas. For example, I discover so many wonderful fan fictions that it's not possible for me to read them all in a short period of time. Which is good, because I can just read and savor part of them every day, incorporating it into my daily favorite routines. I am really amazed at how powerful and inspiring two people and several characters they play could be. Lots of writers get in love with them and then out of the burning love, sprouting abundant, continually updating original ideas, impressive inspirations and mind-exciting stories. They have to express their appreciation of the cp and their characters in their favorite form which is writing, because it's so strong.

Recently I have been looping a specific song list, not exploring new songs, but last night, I chose 心动模式 on Netease Cloud Music, and this mode could easily lead me to something new. Whenever I discover a new resonating song, I stop to favorite it and therefore immediatley update the list of "My Favorite Music." A dozen hours ago, I added three songs onto the list: 悟空 by 张淇 and 白举纲, 大风吹 by 王赫野, and But I Love You by G-Dragon.

I am sitting comfortably in a bright, spacious, comfy space with gentle sounds in the background. No one bothers me. My mind is highly focused. I am clarifying my new desires which I have to catch up with if I want to feel happy in my life. I am reading a new novel with a unique setting and background which triggers my interest of knowing more about that time and the town during that time. I am collecting interesting knowledge, information and data about anything I get interested in. I watch an episode of 侣行, and get shocked at the voilent atmosphere of Honduras. I learn about the hell-like ship in Africa, where the passengers are bundled together in a very small space for one month on the sea with all kinds of difficulty waiting for them on a daily basis. Like, they have to do no.1 at the end of the ship in a very dangerous posture. People in Honduras and people in the ship are all experiencing hardships, but who can decide which one is more uncomfortable or even despairing? Living in a city permeated by mafias or putting the physical bodies in severe or even deadily conditions... I am getting onto bilibili and immediately surprised in a good-feeling way by some updates. Some recent events related to the cp make me smile a big smile...

He is talking to me, nonstop, about his new game. And his parents allow him to play it on weekends. He strongly felt his liking of athletics and asked his father to take him to the game. And so they went together to enjoy the fun of the sports game, while his little sister was sleeping soundly in the cradle. His fingers move fast on the watch and send quite some "Happy New Years!" to his classmates, and he also shows to me the avatar and id of his class monitor. I pick him up, get him afternoon snacks before arriving at home. Then, I hand him the pad where I have already installed his favorite game. He enjoys all of them...

蓝田日暖

宁静月夜，闪亮毛茸茸而修长的芦苇群依旧生机勃勃，不远处的小渔船在河中暂歇，船头站着一只飞累的灰色江鸥，正把头枕在她的胸上休息。钓鱼的青年坐在小马扎上，一动不动，只有他嘴中的香烟闪烁着微光。轻风吹皱了江水，近河岸的水面上荡漾着一条条明亮显眼的光带。栏杆旁的空地上摆放着不少桌椅，我拖一把椅子把它转向河面，靠坐下来。此时此地，我感到自在惬意，脑中的杂念已然淡去，身体也自然放松下来。

我做了很正确的决定，在户外抚慰人心的空间中获得了许多能量。尽管我的烦躁在碰到人时被轻易点燃，但口头冲突并未持续很久，而我也并没有花太多的精力和时间来平复心情，因为在此之前的几小时里，我已积聚了足够多的安适感。我甚至有心情仔细想想一些新的变化。我的烦躁，反应的是我对他人一些想法的强烈不满。一些套子，别人没有异议，不代表我要心甘情愿地套上。当他们认为我需要，我应该戴上这些套子，否则就是不对，理应感到内疚时，我的怒气就爆发了。我开始紧绷身体，奋力反抗，而往往，越是反抗，他们对自己的想法就越坚定，很少有例外。所以冲突到一半，我重新意识到这一点，聪明地噤声了——老铁，我早就知道这不管用啊，何必浪费时间。于是，我沉默了，开始努力神游。

怒气爆发不是坏事，心口燃起难耐的烦躁也不是坏事，它们只是提醒我，一些新想法需要稳固下来，形成坚不可摧的信念，不会受到他人言行挑战的信念。但在强烈情绪翻涌的当下，不宜就此多做思考，更不宜把自己进一步推入受害者被压迫者的角色中去。

管它丫的，以后再说。于是，我打开了电脑，听起了歌。我看起了美食节目。我闭目养神，有意识地深呼吸，关注气息的进出，以及电脑机箱发出的轻微嗡嗡声，我不断提醒自己从思绪中回归到这些简单的声音和身体变化上，直至头脑真的安静下来。然后，我想起了什么，打开微信，给老姐发了抱拳感谢的表情符。我给充电宝连上插座，准备充满它待明天使用。我刻意在笔记本电脑里下载了阿星探店在新疆和内蒙古的美食节目，留待明天观看。我打开word文档和百度云盘，打算写点什么，顺便同步一下。我又开始忙碌起来，以能够提升身心能量的方式，而不是消耗身心能量的方式。。。。。。

蓝田日暖

Love was gone. Like I couldn't stand anymore, even a simple word. I was so impatient and discontented.

But complaints didn't last long, because I knew this was not Who I Really Am. I wanna re-activate my feeling of love. But how?

Whoa?! I just couldn't immediately make that happen. I was not sure which method to pick. But I strongly wanted to shift my attitude.

So finally the method came, by remembering. I remembered that when I was weak and felt loney, she was there for me. She was so patient and caring. I doubt that I could be like that in caring for others--I might easily get impatient. She was patient, caring, loving and continually encouraging. She stopped doing what she liked and took care of me for quite some time. Every day, she went out and brought me delicious meals and also one of my favorites then, the hot bubble tea...

What's this anyway? A very unique and specific existence in this world, not everyone having it, but she has. Mother's love.

The memory cast my impatience away. My willingness to communicate came back. My appreciation and thankfulness returned. I began to initiate conversations. I insisted that she should order food on meituan because they sometimes were cheaper and more delicious than what she chose in the nearby restaurants or canteens. So I got her a serving of curry omelet rice and then I helped her buy something on douyin...

Really, it feels so much better, so much more natural, to fill my heart with appreciation, love, and gentle care instead of impatience and so-called justified complaints. This attitudinal shfit brought me a much better state to do what I liked in the following hours. So obvious!

蓝田日暖

There are many ways to interpret the same scenario/situation/scene.

I could see that the persistent refusal of others' offering a favor as the feeling of unworthiness. Or I could see that she/he just doesn't want to bother other people and then has a sense of freedrom of not needing to return the favor. Or I could see that she/he is sensitive enough to feel that the other actually is quite tired and so she/he wants the other to get a rest instead of depleting the physical energy further more by helping him/her...

Which one feels better to me? Which one means I am giving the other the benefit of the doubt? Which one is the image I wanna hold for the person? This is most important.

So, I see that she is considerate, caring and wanting the best for other people. I see that she is lighthearted and powerful enough to give others favors willingly. I see that she is a people person who can be energized by helping, uplifting and caring for others. I see that she is independent and responsible for her own life that she chooses her own standards of life regardless of what others say. I see her as a clear-minded, decisive, self-loving and caring, abundant enough to give out, lighthearted person...

I see that he is also a people person. He automatically and willingly cares for others. He likes kids, both his grandchildrens and also other kids. He likes taking care of kids. He likes interacting with people in meaningful ways. He likes talking to people and he has quite some friends. He, like her, is also in fond of sharing goodies with others. He often gives out fresh vegetables he has grown. He can stand in others' shoes and be very considerate...

He is a definitely loving father. He takes part in his son's life in mutually pleasing and beneficial ways. They, together, piece together legos. He buys him what he likes eating, including snacks. He picks him up every afternoon and then they get something to eat before going back home, in a lighthearted mode. He takes him to enjoy the fun of his favorite sports games. He identifies the most nutritious and still yummy benverages and then let him pick from them. He lets him do his homework on his own, rarely supervising him, only when he asks questions...

蓝田日暖

As my attitude shifted, I noticed that when they chatted with each other, their sounds felt pleasing to me because they showed to me they were really good companions. They were so willing to do things for each other. One drives the other to work and the other willingly waits and cooks for the other. Also, they share several same interests and they can talk happily about these things.

In the past two days, I awoke naturally very early, before 6 a.m. I lied on the bed, deliberately thinking some thoughts on my mind. And then I spent twenty minutes doing breathing meditation to quiet or purify my mind before I got up. Still, I preferred certain environments and atmospheres in specific places, and so I decided to go out. There were no wi-fi temporary there, and therefore I downloaded videos of HD into my notebook to save the mobile traffic. I downloded a dozen videos from the channel 谁是阿尖. This girl was so sunny, open-minded, confident, powerful and beautiful and I like her interesting adventures in different countries. As I browsed on bilibili, I met across some law programs which already indicated on the titles the possible darkness of humanity which I was very sure of not wanting to rendezvous with. Then, it became another excuse for me to clarify the states of being and the personality traits I wanna cultivate in myself and see in people around me. And I have already benefit from them for a long time. We are genuine. We respect each other. We may get angry with each other but the love we hold would guide us back to understanding and love and care. We enjoy togetherness. We enjoy the superb meals my mom cooks. She likes making snacks and sharing them with relatives and friends. She appreciates other people's cooking from the bottom of her heart. She is a very patient and loving grandma. She enjoys singing and watching poker games. She likes cooking and can easily get new ideas of cooking...

I was listening to a speech talking about soothing physical pain by a specific breathing practice. By breathing in and out deeply and then asking oneself: Do I feel a little better, or a little worse, or about the same? Answer it honestly. And then repeat the breathing, and Q and A again. Until you really feel a lot better physically/you feel that the pain has lessened obviously. It took the  person about 35 minutes to feel much better. This practice impresses me with its necessary patience and self-love and the power of deliberate, focused breathing. You have to be patient in order for it to work. You have to be patient enough to repeat the breathing and the Q and A. There is great self-love within this patience.  I immediately know this by doing the breathing meditation in order to quiet my mind from confusion. I have to be very patient and again and again bring myself back to my breath or other simple sounds in the surrounding. And this pays off so well. Most of the time, I do feel much better and obtain a clear mind. And my body gets better accordingly. Try it if you want. And I would like to do it every day, especially in the early moning to better prepare the following hours.

I like making the best of where I am. I was eating the hand pulled noodles in the nearby Lanzhou Ramen Restaurant, and at the same time watching a vlog from 谁是阿尖. I brought with me a simple holder to stabilize the phone, and now that I was not a devoted gourmet, I chose multitasking--exicting my taste buds, feeding my stomach and providing something for my mind to savor simultaneously. This was my way of eating and drinking. For now, it works well for me.

I like exploring sense perceptions and like knowing subtleties of them and also the practicability of them. Get onto the Internet, you can find extremely beautiful scenes of nature, and vistas, but that doesn't mean you can direclty see them through your own eyes. Where you are is important. Some of the pictures are seen from the high sky like on a plane or shot by an UVA. You also have to think about the weather and consider weather you can really enjoy the scenes under certain conditions. I remembered that on a hot summer day, though the lotus flowers were really beautiful, I just couldn't stand there long enough to fully enjoy them--I wanted to go immediately back into the cool inner space. The sensation on my skin prevented me from wandering around in the outdoors...