幸福大观园

标题: How to approach other American kids? [打印本页]
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-6-10 15:46:01     标题: How to approach other American kids?

(Sorry, I cannot type Chinese.) My older daughter was born in US and she is 5 and half years old now. This coming fall she will be in kindergarden. Up to now, she only went half day pre-K. After school, she stayed at home with me, my husband and her younger sister. During the afternoon, our whole family will go outside to have about two-hour quality time. Her personality is very easygoing, sensitive and obedient and more mature than her age. The reason I need help here is not because there is any problem for my daughter's personalty. She is an emotionally and intellectually healthy girl.


Several days ago, she mentioned to me something bothered her during the past year.

The following is our conversation:

D: Mum, Why I did not have any best best friends in Pre - K class. I hope I could have hundreds of best friends.
M: I know you like friends. Friends are very important in our life.
D: I feel they didnot like me. ( Tell you the truth, I did not feel good when I heard it.)
M: You feel they did not like you and did not want to play with you.

D: No. Some of them wanted to be my friends. But I did not want to play the way they played. So I refused. I wanted to play Pretend-to-be baby with Belly. But when I asked her if she  wanted to play with me. She did not even want to talk to me. She acted like she did not like me.

M: When you wanted to play with her, her response made you feel sad. You are sure she got your meaning (I know I shouldn't ask this way.)

D: Yeah, she did not say ' Could you say it again?'. She just acted like I was nobody. ( Now, I feel sad about it too.) Mum, I like school. How can I approach them and let them play with me? Every time when they talk to me, I listen very carefully and I was very nice to them. Why when I wanted to talk to them, they didn't want to  listen.



She is very sad about it. Me too.


Actually her communication skill and her personality make her a very good playmate. She is respectful, patient and nice.  She never had any similar problem when she played with other Chinese children. She could approach other Chinese kids easily and had lots of fun. But at school Asian is minority and plus  her English is not so good. she seems having some difficulty to approach or to find American friends. (There are only three Asain girls, my daughter, two Koren girls. One of the Koren girl liked my daughter very much and always followed her  and played with her. The girl's mum also told me her daughter liked my daughter most in the class. When I asked my daughter, she told me the girl is only her playmate not her best friend.) She seems not very satisfied with current situation. And obviously, her definition of friends is more than that of her age.


My concern are below:

Is this already a big issue or not? We should involved to help her or wait for her to learn to deal with it?

If I should help her, how I can help my daughter get more involved with her wanted classmates? (She always talks softly. When the kids are cray playing, it is hard to get the attention.)


Our family background is: after school or work, almost all of our friends are from Asian. I and my husband are not social animals. Her personality is very like us. We don't feel there is any wrong with the personality but obviously we don't want our daughter to be separated from other American kids since she will stay here for her life. So please please help me and let me know what you think about it.

Thanks a lot!
作者: 爱无言    时间: 2010-6-10 16:15:29

本帖最后由 爱无言 于 2010-6-10 16:23 编辑

:hug: My daughter is same age as yours. 看来你能看中文的，英文说的也不如中文流，这里还中文吧！;P

这样的年龄的女孩子出现这样的交友的困扰是非常normal的，我女儿类似的整日里也很多的。总是觉得谁不和她好了，因为这个有时候就不愿去幼儿园，两个女孩子一起玩还行，一旦三个就会有问题，有一个就要受冷落.....


总的感觉，女孩子因为对情感关系比男孩子重视，所以女孩子的人际交往上的困扰出于这点的需要的，她们都敏感，对情感的渴望要大，安全感似乎就反应在是否被接纳上，朋友就似乎代表着是否被接纳。这点可能是导致女孩子的人际更敏感的最主要原因的。

还有就是孩子的人际交往也是移情的，她们会对自己的朋友产生移情，和她们交往的模式就和父母交往似的，还有父母的潜意识里的很微妙的情绪情节，反而会影响孩子，呈现出来。

假设猜测的，可能很多亚洲父母很想融入主流文化，和白人交往，但是潜意识里其实对此点反而是恐惧担心的，那么孩子就会感受到这点，会应现在人际交往上。

我这纯粹一种假设，仅提供一种思路，听其他妈妈们支招吧。
作者: 然妈    时间: 2010-6-10 21:40:19

孩子到这个pre-k还不久吧？时间长一点也许就慢慢有好朋友了。能不能邀请别的孩子到家里玩，给她们创造多接触的机会？  交朋友是个需要时间的事，也许别的小朋友本来就比较熟，人家关系“铁”，新来的不容易插进
去。我觉得重要的是让孩子有好朋友，不一定非得是美国孩子，如果她已经有亚洲孩子作朋友了，就多多联系，缓解她对朋友的焦渴。还有那个韩国孩子，既然是很好的玩伴，不如就加把劲，多约几次playdate，变成最好的朋友，不是很好吗？ 你的问题是“怎么接近美国孩子”，说明你心里还是按照民族划分了一下，这个划分是你的，不是孩子的，孩子现在需要的只是朋友而已。
作者: 琳0824    时间: 2010-6-10 21:53:58

:hug: My daughter is same age as yours. 看来你能看中文的，英文说的也不如中文流，这里还中文吧！;P

这样的年龄的女孩子出现这样的交友的困扰是非常normal的，我女儿类似的整日里也很多的。总是觉得谁不和她好 ...
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-10 16:15
老爱,我觉得你这开头的话,简直是多余.
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-6-10 22:09:33

Thank you so much for your answer. This is the first time I ask for help here and I am very happy to see it.  

She seldom complained to us and  even if she met the similar situation she only described it as if it did not bother her. This is the first time she told me she got separated at school. When she plays with Chinese kids, she coordinated very well.  

"假设猜测的，可能很多亚洲父母很想融入主流文化，和白人交往，但是潜意识里其实对此点反而是恐惧担心的，那么孩子就会感受到这点，会应现在人际交往上。"  

On the contrary, for both of us, we don't have this situation. We have been here for ten years. My husband is a professor and I was a student. After having my precious, I gave up my Phd and stayed at home to be a housewife so I can take better care of my family. Both of us are family guy. We seldom wanted to socialize  with other White people. Actually, we don't have too much desire to get involved into their culture, either. (If we want, we can attend Church activity.) For some reason, we see both upside and downside of both cultures. Both of us think, we should keep Chinese culture at home. We eat Chinese food and only speak Chinese at home and when we are reading stories, we translate them into Chinese. So although she was born here, she does not look like an ABC. (Her Chinese (oral) is very good. But her English is not.) Once she told me, at school one unknown boy came to her and said " I hate Chinese." I told her It was very very mean to say that and there is nothing wrong to be a Chinese and Daddy and mom are very proud of being Chinese. Then she said "But I am not Chinese. I am American."


I will continue and talk to you later. I have to wake my daughters up. We will attend a library kid activity one hour later. So they have to eat something before we leave.

I am very pleased to talk with you and  thank you for your comments and help. If there is any mom can let me know your ideas (Any kind), I am very appreciated it.
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-6-11 01:27:09

孩子到这个pre-k还不久吧？时间长一点也许就慢慢有好朋友了。能不能邀请别的孩子到家里玩，给她们创造多接触的机会？  交朋友是个需要时间的事，也许别的小朋友本来就比较熟，人家关系“铁”，新来的不容易插进
去。 ...
然妈 发表于 2010-6-10 21:40


You may misunderstand my question. She has lots of friends and playmates. But almost all of them are internationals since our friends are international. She has no problem to approach international kids. Only American kids she feels lack of confidence. It is not me who wants her to make friends with American kids. It is her.
作者: 琳0824    时间: 2010-6-11 02:53:49

虽然我儿子也是5岁多来加拿大,来了之后先是上了2个月的pre-K,然后就是7,8月放假,这两个月我送他去DAYCARE,孩子一样是语言不通的,虽然有这样那样的一些担忧,怕孩子不适应,但总体来说,没有太大问题.

既然孩子的交往个方面都很好,美国也是个比较开放的国家,不存在排斥一个外国孩子的现象,我就是有点不明白,楼主在担忧什么,看你的描述,你们对孩子也没什么不正确的想法,看着都好象挺好的,那到底楼主想解决什么,担忧什么呢?
作者: 琳0824    时间: 2010-6-11 02:55:26

我认为国外的老师对孩子(不管是幼儿园还是小学的老师),是不会很严厉的,只要家长不过分担忧,其实就够了.
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-6-11 02:57:44

All kids went to Pre - K at the same time. The only difference is the other kids stayed full day (from 8 am to 3 pm). My daughter was the only child stayed half day ( The public schools here offer an option of free full day pre-k or half day.) That may cause some problem for her to make friends at school. (3 pm is my little one's napping time. It is illegal for me to leave her alone at home to pick up her older sister. That is the reason we chose half day.)

She only feels no friends in her class. She had playmates but not friends in class, according to what she said. She defined kids who played with her into playmates, friends, best friends. The Koren girl is only her playmate. That girl wanted to be close to her. But she told me they only play and did not chat (That girl's English is not good too).  She thought friends should be more than that.  

Is her requirement too high or not?
作者: 琳0824    时间: 2010-6-11 02:59:24

让孩子自己去认识她的社交环境,这也是她学习的一个过程.

有很多时候,我们家长也代替不了孩子这个学习的过程,孩子一时的SAD,只是她学习的一个片段.

甚至她很快就会忘记,或者很快就会寻找到快乐的方式.
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-6-11 05:32:35

Thank you.

Yeah that is what it should be. I know her negative feeling is very normal and helpful in her life. Please forgive my natural emotional reaction.

Basically I am a kind of "lazy" mom. I doesnot have any expectation to my daughter except that we hope they are mentally, emotionally and physically healthy.

"那到底楼主想解决什么,担忧什么呢? "

I am not worried about my daughter. I did not feel she had any problem at all. I just want to talk to somebody because I feel maybe I should be partly responsible for it. Yesterday after they went to sleep, I told my husband about what she said. His reaction is a kind of, you know, he thought of course she felt lack of confidence because we never teach her English at home and when she faced new enviroment , new kids, unknown languages it was tough for her. Of course she felt shy because we only make friends with internationals. Of course she felt hard to get into it because she only went half day and spent less time with them .....

I know he did not mean to blame me. However, it is me to insist only speaking Chinese at home. It is my friends' preference to make friends with international families. It is for my convinent to let her go half day. When I saw she felt sad, I felt a little bit guilty. So I hope I could do something to make her happy (althought it maynot be necessary at all or I'd better be patient and wait for my daughter to figure out how to handle it by herself.)

Yeah you are right I may be too sensitive and not enough calm  down when facing her negative feeling.
作者: 琳0824    时间: 2010-6-11 07:12:53

我觉得楼主是有点焦虑了,孩子在学校或者幼儿园遇到这样那样的事情,这些都只是过程.

尤其是才5岁多的孩子,他们小朋友之间的交流跟我们大人不同,有时候,语言甚至是多余的,他们不需要太多语言的交流,只有半天的时间也没关系.......这些都不会影响到小孩子之间的交往,之所以有这样那样负面的一些情绪,这些我觉得还不至于很严重.

我们家长能做的,一是保障孩子在幼儿园没有特别的伤害(这个一般不会有),二是提供给孩子回家后愉快的生活和活动,三是倾听孩子遭遇的事情,并且给予正面积极的开导,而不是和孩子一起陷进去,甚至比孩子陷得还深.........

如果家庭教育没有太大的问题,学校也没有太大的问题,那么剩下的,就是给孩子时间慢慢适应,找到她自己合适的方式........
作者: 爱无言    时间: 2010-6-11 09:45:43

老爱,我觉得你这开头的话,简直是多余.
琳0824 发表于 2010-6-10 21:53


琳，

很严肃的和你说，你这话让我很不舒服呢！为什么你老是这种语气呢？老实说，回复这里我习惯性的英文好多句了，突然想起你的“嘲讽”，也就怕别的妈妈们觉得我拽英文呢！赶快删掉改成这样的，可还是得来你的这种语气的话！虽然没有多严重，可是不舒服想解决掉，所以告诉你，谢谢！
作者: 琳0824    时间: 2010-6-11 09:56:11

本帖最后由 琳0824 于 2010-6-11 09:58 编辑
琳，

很严肃的和你说，你这话让我很不舒服呢！为什么你老是这种语气呢？老实说，回复这里我习惯性的英文好多句了，突然想起你的“嘲讽”，也就怕别的妈妈们觉得我拽英文呢！赶快删掉改成这样的，可还是得来你 ...
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-11 09:45
你不舒服我也没有办法,不过你捂着嘴的开头那句话,也会让看的人(只说我吧),感觉不舒服.

我嘲讽的,不过是明明用中文更清楚地表白,却要用上英文.
作者: 爱无言    时间: 2010-6-11 09:59:13

Thank you so much for your answer. This is the first time I ask for help here and I am very happy to see it.  

She seldom complained to us and  even if she met the similar situation she only descri ...
Mybaby 发表于 2010-6-10 22:09


不用太客气，我简直就只是把我在这方面受困惑后思索的一些原因或者说心理学方面的知识告诉你，实际真不清楚到底是什么原因的。

刚才我女儿又说不愿意去幼儿园，上次是说没小朋友和她玩，这次说小朋友愿意和她玩，可是和她们玩就得听她们的，她不舒服，她又不愿意自己一个人玩。我一听还是烦躁的，孩子感受到了，乖乖的去了。回来又有点内疚的，孩子在和妈妈表达她的困难的啊！:( 可是刚才一到幼儿园，她又和小朋友那么热情的就在一起了，who knows? 不过，我也注意到一个细节，她在离开家之前挑了一本贴画，一去就引起了两个小女孩的注意，着急着要她分给她们。她拿着不肯分，我也能感觉到这样孩子就觉得其他孩子围着她不离开她了。就这点来说，她还是焦虑的，她紧张很怕别人舍她而去。我不得不承认，孩子的这种紧张担心还是源自于我的潜意识的影响的。虽然我一般也不会感觉到这点潜意识，可是我在几次做心理治疗时，我还是很深的感觉到这点的，平时我很隔离情感，很理智，可潜意识深处我的情感聚集着压抑着，会有很多的恐惧怕自己没有情感，得不到情感。

举我自己的体会只是想告诉你，一般我们的意识层面越是注意到的刻意让自己在做的，也不觉得自己缺乏的，往往潜意识里是相反的，也就是说我们实际上是不认识自己的。

孩子总在帮我们认识自己。

祝福你们！
作者: 爱无言    时间: 2010-6-11 10:02:47

本帖最后由 爱无言 于 2010-6-11 10:10 编辑
你不舒服我也没有办法,不过你捂着嘴的开头那句话,也会让看的人(只说我吧),感觉不舒服.

我嘲讽的,不过是明明用中文更清楚地表白,却要用上英文.
琳0824 发表于 2010-6-11 09:56


明白了，呵呵，那你对谁感觉她的话不舒服了，都会这样直接的就“嘲讽”回去吗？

如果我和你对话时让你这样不舒服了，那你可以这样子“嘲讽”回来，这里我和楼主妈妈说话，她没有感觉到，你看可以克制一下吗？:)

否则这种公共场合，我们这样子也会让别人不舒服。我找到的这个方法，你觉得怎样？
作者: 琳0824    时间: 2010-6-11 10:05:54

本帖最后由 琳0824 于 2010-6-11 10:09 编辑
明白了，呵呵，那你对谁感觉她的话不舒服了，都会这样直接的就“攻击”回去吗？

如果我和你对话时让你这样不舒服了，那你可以这样子“攻击”回来，这里我和楼主妈妈说话，她没有感觉到，你看可以克制一下吗？ ...
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-11 10:02
我说了句"多余",你认为就是"攻击"么?

你这"攻击"二字,实在是欲加之罪啊!

你怕别人嘲讽,却可以捂着嘴嘲讽别人.......楼主介意不介意,那是她的事,反正我看了,就想要说一说"开头那一句是多余"........

本来就是多余嘛,还捂个嘴.........;P
作者: 爱无言    时间: 2010-6-11 10:09:29

哎，我带着引号呢！你喜欢什么词，我换一个？ 你自己都说嘲讽呢！这嘲讽还不是一种“攻击”啊？;P
作者: 琳0824    时间: 2010-6-11 10:10:47

哎，我带着引号呢！你喜欢什么词，我换一个？ 你自己都说嘲讽呢！这嘲讽还不是一种“攻击”啊？;P
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-11 10:09
随便啦,你想怎么说就怎么说好了,引号不引号,也无所谓的,是不?
作者: 爱无言    时间: 2010-6-11 10:10:47

好了，这下子改了。 不和你继续这个话题了，我可不想歪了人家的楼。8！:$
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-6-11 12:57:45

好了，这下子改了。 不和你继续这个话题了，我可不想歪了人家的楼。8！:$
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-11 10:10


You are welcome to say anything here. I am very pleased to see you here.
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-6-11 14:09:20

我认为国外的老师对孩子(不管是幼儿园还是小学的老师),是不会很严厉的,只要家长不过分担忧,其实就够了.
琳0824 发表于 2010-6-11 02:55




Partly agree. Only agree last part. Not all teachers are good especially in daycare.

According to what one of my friends told me (she worked for several years in one best and most expensive daycare, local.), she thought the laziest Americans gather together in US daycare.

According to my daughter's experience, she went to a half day pre-school at four. After one week, she told us she saw the teacher spanking other kids. (We told her we would watch for that.) After one month, my daughter told us the teacher spanked her twice very hardly. one is because she put fake vegetable into her mouth when she played with it and the other time is at that day, my daughter was class helper helping her get the toy bags. The teacher put too much toys into the bags so my four-year-old one cannot handle it. The bag fell and the toys out. She is the first and only one spank my daughter like that in this world. we asked my daughter she wanted us to talk to the Principal or she wanted to give her another chance. She asked what would happen if we talked to the principal. We told her you will never see her in your class. The teacher will be kicked out of school. She said no kids liked this teacher but she chose to give her a chance because she thought every one makes mistakes and if she still did the same thing to the kids, we would report. Next morning, when my husband talked to her, She denied but her face flushed and she dare not to watch his eye. We all knew she lied. After that, my daughter said she only time out kids or count one two three.

After she went to pre-K, I volunteered a lot in her class so I am very familiar with her teachers and her classmates. both teachers are very patient, reasonable, responsible and full of love, especially the assistant teacher. They are good.

Anyway, not every teacher in China are bad and not every teacher here are good. During the first few years in US, I have same thoughts. Their teachers  are more nice, their food are more safe, their children are more happier. Their thoughts are more modern. Now for me , every person in this world is similar. They may express in different way. The behind thing is very similar. They are human being. My thoughts may not be right. Actually the more I  know the more I feel I don't know.
作者: 爱无言    时间: 2010-6-11 14:17:07

Anyway, not every teacher in China are bad and not every teacher here are good. During the first few years in US, I have same thoughts. Their teachers  are more nice, their food are more safe, their children are more happier. Their thoughts are more modern. Now for me , every person in this world is similar. They may express in different way. The behind thing is very similar. They are human being. My thoughts may not be right. Actually the more I  know the more I feel I don't know. Mybaby 发表于 2010-6-11 14:09



喜欢这段！:lol  哎，不过，也确实，知道的越多，好像感觉也越困惑，什么都不确定似的...
作者: 敬听    时间: 2010-6-11 18:13:36

首先谈谈我看一楼的感觉哈！“D: Yeah, she did not say ' Could you say it again?'. She just acted like I was nobody. ”从这句话中，我觉得孩子伤心的关键是被忽视，而不是邀请被拒绝，更不是你说的交友问题。

在前面的对话里，孩子也说她也同样拒绝过别人的邀请。那就说明两个问题：
其一，有别的小朋友想和她一起玩儿。
其二，她只是因为不喜欢那些个玩儿法儿，所以拒绝了别人。

既然有人邀请她一起玩儿，就没有无法融入的问题，只是孩子自己的选择问题。另外，后面的回帖里，你也说她和亚洲小朋友之间的交往没有任何障碍和问题，这也从另一方面证明了孩子仅是和这个特定的小朋友的交往困难。当然孩子的表述可能有偏差，因为一时的“失意”而否定了自己的“全部”，这个对一个5岁半的小朋友来说很正常，呵呵。


另外，新到一个地方，就算在国内，也需要一定的时间融入，你也别太心急。:hug:
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-6-12 21:02:24

首先谈谈我看一楼的感觉哈！“D: Yeah, she did not say ' Could you say it again?'. She just acted like I was nobody. ”从这句话中，我觉得孩子伤心的关键是被忽视，而不是邀请被拒绝，更不是你说的交友问题。
...
敬听 发表于 2010-6-11 18:13


Thank you. I feel the same way. I never thought she had any problem. But she insisted she had no friends, only playmates.

I did lots of volunteer work so I had lots of opportunities to see how her school life could be. Every time I went to help her teachers, she was very happy to me, she would come to hug and kiss me and ran back to play with others. I never saw she was playing alone.  Sometimes when I picked her up at noon, some kids when were playing with would beg me " please, please let her play with me. Don't go." She was not lack of playmates. She is eager for best friends.

She likes chitchat. Her thoughts:  if they just play together, they are just playmates. If they could chitchat and play, they are friends. If they could chitchat and play and hang on together all the time, they are best friends. She could not chitchat with Americans because of her poor English. So she had no friends.

Gosh, sometimes I feel why she is so hard to feel satisfied or  is she too mature for her age. I knew most kids at her age would be satisfied as long as they have somebody to play with. could it be possible because we spent too much time together so her level of demand increased lot?

How  about your daughter, 爱无言?
作者: 爱无言    时间: 2010-6-13 17:36:24

25# Mybaby

呵呵，感觉咱俩在对孩子的一举一动的观察和思考方面很有一拼呢！;P
作者: 爱无言    时间: 2010-6-13 17:38:15

http://www.namez.cn/thread-496-1-3.html 类似你这样的对孩子的疑问，我记在这里了。你进不去的话，可以去我的博客。http://blog.sina.com.cn/aimeiyanyao?retcode=0
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-6-14 06:38:58

http://www.namez.cn/thread-496-1-3.html 类似你这样的对孩子的疑问，我记在这里了。你进不去的话，可以去我的博客。http://blog.sina.com.cn/aimeiyanyao?retcode=0
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-13 17:38


I got "本帖要求阅读权限高于 20 才可浏览，请返回". but I can enter into your blog. Are they same?
作者: 然妈    时间: 2010-6-14 11:55:26

既然是孩子的英语不够好造成无法顺利交谈，楼主多辅导辅导英语吧，在家里多用英语交谈，帮孩子提高英语会话能力。
作者: 妮珂妈妈    时间: 2010-6-29 00:25:01

跟老师谈谈孩子提到的问题吧，她（们）也许已经对此有了一些观察。如果老师本人就是American，更好。也许她（们）会看到一些在社交方面的文化差异。相信她们是帮助孩子很好的资源。
作者: 找幸福    时间: 2010-6-29 09:08:01

为什么不能用中文说呢
作者: 琳0824    时间: 2010-6-29 11:00:00

为什么不能用中文说呢
找幸福 发表于 2010-6-29 09:08
楼主说是她不能打中文.
作者: 小和和妈    时间: 2010-6-29 15:09:26

本帖最后由 小和和妈 于 2010-6-29 15:11 编辑

个人认为楼主对待孩子的困扰，也反映了自己内在的矛盾，如果说得不对请不要介意，那就是楼主夫妻，本来就和白人社会保持一定距离，并没什么问题，但是孩子面临将来在美国生活，楼主希望她将来能更好地融入当地人的圈子，这样才能更好地生活。实际上楼主可能潜意识也认为：如果更好地融入当地文化，生活将会变得更好。因此当面对孩子在幼儿园有这样的交友问题时，就会感到焦虑。

孩子的问题就是大人的问题，楼主也说经常来往的是亚洲人居多。因此孩子交往当地小朋友的机会也比较少。对于楼主说的，应该是帮她还是等她自然客服不能融入美国小朋友圈的问题，我觉得父母应该采取一些措施积极应对，正如楼主说的，多参加教会活动等。

建议开始比较积极地参加当地人的活动，选择一两家合得来，孩子也能合得来的家庭定期聚会。孩子有多跟当地人相处的机会，语言自然不是问题。在家说中文也不需要改，因为我们即使说英语也还是和当地的语言有差异。
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-6-29 18:03:55

跟老师谈谈孩子提到的问题吧，她（们）也许已经对此有了一些观察。如果老师本人就是American，更好。也许她（们）会看到一些在社交方面的文化差异。相信她们是帮助孩子很好的资源。
妮珂妈妈 发表于 2010-6-29 00:25


The teacher didn't think she had any problem. There are some other international boys in her class from Egypt, Iraq, India. So basically, her class is like half American half international. According to my observation, international kids like to play with international kids. American kids like to play with American kids. Maybe language is one reason. The only international girl had American friend in class is because she had an older sister so her English is better than other internationals.
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-6-29 18:26:12

个人认为楼主对待孩子的困扰，也反映了自己内在的矛盾，如果说得不对请不要介意，那就是楼主夫妻，本来就和白人社会保持一定距离，并没什么问题，但是孩子面临将来在美国生活，楼主希望她将来能更好地融入当地人的圈 ...
小和和妈 发表于 2010-6-29 15:09


I don't want to attend church program because every time when you meet with American here, there are always same topics: why you have two kids, we heard about in china you can only have one. Then they will talk about we heard about Chinese will kill baby. Then I have to explain to them......I am tired of that. Like my husband said let those people live in China and see how many people there, they will shut their mouth up.

We live in the place where the American call Bible belt. The people here are super conservative. They are not typical American. So almost 90% activities are related to religion. There is nothing wrong with the religion. But we don't like the way they control the thoughts. By the way, lots of their thoughts are actually having conflict with Bible. Anyway, that is a long talk.

The remaining 10% are related to sports. That is what our choice. Everyday our whole family will attend two-hour sport activities. Those activities are not free. So usually the other kids are American and she is the only international. She cooperated very well with other kids and some families there are her friends but still not as close as her Chinese friends.
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-6-29 18:44:22

Thank you for your reply. There is nothing bothering me and my husband. I don't think our life will be better if we are more involved with them. Our life is good now, for us.

you are right. I have no special intention to make friends with American families. I am more close to internationals. I like them and love to be with them.
They are open, funny and friendly. We have lots of things in common . Anyway, for my little precious, now I give myself an intention to choose some American friends purposely. To be a mom is not a easy task :)
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-6-29 18:46:54

本帖最后由 Mybaby 于 2010-6-29 18:49 编辑

Thank you for your reply. There is nothing bothering me and my husband. I don't think our life will be better if we are more involved with them. Our life is good now, for us.

you are right. I have no special intention to make friends with American families. I am more close to internationals. I like them and love to be with them.
They are open, funny and friendly. We have lots of things in common . Anyway, for my little precious, now I give myself an intention to choose some American friends purposely. To be a mom is not a easy task :)
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-6-29 18:47:16

Thank you for your reply. There is nothing bothering me and my husband. I don't think our life will be better if we are more involved with them. Our life is good now, for us.

you are right. I have no special intention to make friends with American families. I am more close to internationals. I like them and love to be with them.
They are open, funny and friendly. We have lots of things in common . Anyway, for my little precious, now I give myself an intention to choose some American friends purposely. To be a mom is not a easy task :)
作者: 小和和妈    时间: 2010-6-29 23:16:27

I don't want to attend church program because every time when you meet with American here, there are always same topics: why you have two kids, we heard about in china you can only have one. Then  ...
Mybaby 发表于 2010-6-29 18:26


I understand. To contact with those narrow-minded and stubborn persons is a chanllenge, no wonder your daughter will meet such troube when making friends.

But as you mentioned, you have lovely international friends, you like to be with them, then why do you worry about the issue "how to approach other American kids"? If you have no problem involve most internationals, why not let your kids make close friends with internationals like you?

Also there's somethig I want to say is: culture different is difficult to overcome, not only reflects on the situation you don't like the way local persons talk with you but also on the facts that people  "zha dui" almost all around the world, it's easy to go with similar person.

About language, I really don't think it's a big deal. For your daughter is only 5 years old, most of her time is spend with your family. She will have much bigger stage then your imagination.
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-6-30 00:29:07

I understand. To contact with those narrow-minded and stubborn persons is a chanllenge, no wonder your daughter will meet such trouble when making friends.

But as you mentioned, you have lovely  ...
小和和妈 发表于 2010-6-29 23:16


Thank you so much for your interest in it. I am satisfied with the current situation. She  wants to make friends with English speaking kids. She has lots of international kids. We consulted with speech specialists. They did overall evaluation. She understands more than what she speaks. They told us after she hung on in school for longer time, she will speak like American kids. At that time, her Chinese may become a concern. I am not very worried
about her language right now.
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-6-30 00:45:24

I understand. To contact with those narrow-minded and stubborn persons is a chanllenge, no wonder your daughter will meet such troube when making friends.

But as you mentioned, you have lovely  ...
小和和妈 发表于 2010-6-29 23:16



I attended a church parenting program. You know what they were talking about? The topic is "how to discipline kids". The contents are how to spank kids. Those parents were exchanging the ways they spanked their kids and at the end, they concluded using bamboo is the most efficient way because it is very painful and nothing blue left. They also teach how to spank kids in public if the kids challenge authorities - that is, spanking in restroom. Those people gathered together and talked about how to treat their most precious gifts in this world like their enemies. I am not going to waste my time and energy to make friends with them. At first I argued with them and they told me if you don't discipline your kids, she will grow up in big trouble. I don't believe punishment is the best way to discipline kids. My daughters have very good personalities. I don't want to punish them or I don't want to bride them to follow me. We talked and work out the solution. Most of the time we can work out a solution acceptable for both of us.
作者: 爱无言    时间: 2010-6-30 09:49:44

看楼主描述的和当地教堂的父母聊，挺有意思的！;P
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-6-30 13:27:29

看楼主描述的和当地教堂的父母聊，挺有意思的！;P
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-30 09:49


Nod! They are super Christians. The bible says if the kids challenge parents, they should get spanked. One of them brought her son to play in my house,
the boy played a kind of rough. She asked me if I had long wood spoon or not.  She wanted to spank him. I said why not use you hand. She said the pastor said hands are for love, should use bamboo to spank.
作者: 爱无言    时间: 2010-6-30 14:18:44

43# Mybaby

:lol

这和咱们这里的父母说，“会脏了我的手！”是不是异曲同工，给孩子的感受相同？

也笑不起了了！:(
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-6-30 14:25:23

43# Mybaby  

:lol

这和咱们这里的父母说，“会脏了我的手！”是不是异曲同工，给孩子的感受相同？

也笑不起了了！:(
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-30 14:18

I don't know how her boy feels. He became more tolerant to spanking. When he was one years old, her mom spanked not very hard and he would listen to her. Now 4 yrs old, she need to spank him very very hard. This state child-abuse-to death rate is on top list of US. Maybe some parent are out of control and accidentally kill their kids.
作者: 爱无言    时间: 2010-6-30 14:31:27

是不是美国的法律对虐待孩子罪如此执行严格和敏感（相比咱们国家），和这个天主教的陋习有关？

这样子体罚孩子发泄情绪，会加重了父母的情绪化的......在美国，邻居不报警吗？
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-6-30 22:26:02

是不是美国的法律对虐待孩子罪如此执行严格和敏感（相比咱们国家），和这个天主教的陋习有关？

这样子体罚孩子发泄情绪，会加重了父母的情绪化的......在美国，邻居不报警吗？
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-30 14:31


It depends on which state you are in. Some state is illegal. I check the state law, in this state, it is legal for parents, teachers to spank kids as a way of discipline. But abuse kids is illegal. It is definitely related to religion.
作者: 爱无言    时间: 2010-6-30 23:35:41

呵呵，你所在是什么州？ 看来美国法律如何解释虐待儿童也是有很多空间的，你们这个天主教为主的州，打儿童就不是虐待儿童，和我们中国的文化差不多唉！
作者: 爱无言    时间: 2010-6-30 23:39:45

本帖最后由 爱无言 于 2010-6-30 23:40 编辑

baidu了一下http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_4ca60b2d0100be3i.html
呵呵，地图上南部基本都是红的，是允许打屁股的。
作者: 小和和妈    时间: 2010-7-1 02:11:31

From above we can see so called advanced is only exterior, part of them are far behind us on kids raising and self accomplishment.
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-7-1 13:10:47

baidu了一下http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_4ca60b2d0100be3i.html
呵呵，地图上南部基本都是红的，是允许打屁股的。
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-30 23:39


Yes. We are in one of them and worst of them. There is a lot of gray area between spanking and abuse. From my view, if you spank your kids and nothing physical harm left, that is called discipline. If not, that is abuse. Maybe that is why they were exchanging their spanking experience to avoid leaving any black and blue in body.
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-7-1 13:14:18

呵呵，你所在是什么州？ 看来美国法律如何解释虐待儿童也是有很多空间的，你们这个天主教为主的州，打儿童就不是虐待儿童，和我们中国的文化差不多唉！
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-30 23:35


That is why I feel human are same all over the world. You just see part of the truth. Part of the truth is not truth.
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-7-1 13:28:27

在美国，邻居不报警吗？
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-30 14:31 [/quote]

You are very naive.

They may call police if they really hate you. One of my friends actually abuse his son, not spanking, yes abuse. He kick him like kick a ball. Lots of people know it. Nobody will call police for the boy's sake. If somebody reports the abuse, the boy will be taken away from his parents and put in foster family. The boy's life will be ruined forever. 90% foster family are not decent family. What the boy will face is not only kicking.  The US government will pay foster family 300$ per month for one kid. There is no love, no care, maybe still abuse. Social workers will go to foster family to check once a while, not often. What you think they can find out? Nothing. This is just routine work. Sometimes even if the social workers sense something, they may open one eye and close the other if not too obvious. Life is not what you see in movies. people may not be what they appear to be.
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-7-1 13:39:19

"他们不打脸，不拧耳朵，主要打屁股"

These are mentioned in the church program too. They said the parents should spank the part covered by the clothes. In that way, the child dignity won't be damaged.

作者: 爱无言    时间: 2010-7-1 14:12:41

在美国，邻居不报警吗？
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-30 14:31

You are very naive.

They may call police if they really hate you. One of my friends actua ...
Mybaby 发表于 2010-7-1 13:28


呵呵，谢谢你告诉我你看到的美国。看来你对这个国家好像很失望？
作者: 爱无言    时间: 2010-7-1 14:18:47

"他们不打脸，不拧耳朵，主要打屁股"

These are mentioned in the church program too. They said the parents should spank the part covered by the clothes. In that way, the child dignity won't be damaged ...
Mybaby 发表于 2010-7-1 13:39


这几点比较起来，打屁股还是稍好点哎！那些人在讨论怎样打孩子能不在孩子身上留下於痕，那也就是他们也在想怎样能较轻的打孩子啊，呵呵，打孩子和虐待孩子确实还是有区别的，我们老家的人几乎没有不打孩子的，但是真正虐待孩子的还是少数的，这里面绝不是谁打了谁就虐待了...以前以为美国的法律是只要家长打一下就要被判虐待孩子罪，觉得很不适合中国，现在看来美国的法律也是遵从各个州的文化和习惯的...
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-7-1 22:38:05

呵呵，谢谢你告诉我你看到的美国。看来你对这个国家好像很失望？
爱无言 发表于 2010-7-1 14:12
.

They have both sides. You know lots of good side. There is no need for me to tell you.

Disappointed for US? Why? US is not my motherland. I am not disappointed. I only feel "Wow, I am so naive."
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-7-1 22:41:07

这几点比较起来，打屁股还是稍好点哎！那些人在讨论怎样打孩子能不在孩子身上留下於痕，那也就是他们也在想怎样能较轻的打孩子啊，呵呵，打孩子和虐待孩子确实还是有区别的，我们老家的人几乎没有不打孩子的，但 ...
爱无言 发表于 2010-7-1 14:18


"那也就是他们也在想怎样能较轻的打孩子啊" Wrong. They are searching a way that is really painful but nothing left. Anybody here tried bamboo or not. If you tried, tell me how it feels?
作者: Mybaby    时间: 2010-7-1 22:58:41

From above we can see so called advanced is only exterior, part of them are far behind us on kids raising and self accomplishment.
小和和妈 发表于 2010-7-1 02:11


For me it is hard to tell which way is better. Theirs or us.

Their kids are more playful, more physical active, more self centered, have more street smart than Chinese kids. Our kids have good sides too. Don't you think so?

US appear to be  "richer" than us. Richer side can take advantage of poorer side. Richer side can win admiration easier. Try to imagine. US is not the big brother now. China is. The people all over the world may admire ours at that time.
作者: 爱无言    时间: 2010-7-2 08:26:15

本帖最后由 爱无言 于 2010-7-2 08:28 编辑
"那也就是他们也在想怎样能较轻的打孩子啊" Wrong. They are searching a way that is really painful but nothing left. Anybody here tried bamboo or not. If you tried, tell me how it feels?
Mybaby 发表于 2010-7-1 22:41


打孩子还不留下痕迹，只能是打的轻的，当然还有内功，呵呵，你去告诉他们，咱们中国人的内功，让他们来雇佣中国人去教！;P

我没打过孩子，听到过邻居们讨论孩子们怎么气死人，忍不住打，怎么打的问题...


你说的美国的这些情况，好的坏的也都在情理之中啊！甚至也没啥好的坏的...就如你发现的他们的孩子的特点似的，我们的孩子他们的孩子各自有特点，来自的文化背景生活方式都不一样吗。看看大家都有还有什么异同，也挺有意思。;P



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